Land Mines

Pleasantly Surprised

2010-11-09T18:51:00.000-08:00

I have been pleasantly surprised lately. I would never have thought this would have turned out this way. By that I mean in a way that makes me happy. I smile when I am with you. I am comfortable and after all this time and all that we have shared I am amazed by how you have been. You have been smiling and laughing and I almost feel as if you have been happy as well. It's crazy! I almost don't know what to think. It's as if there is an eclipse when we are together; night and day occur at the same time. That is how very opposite we are on the exterior. But in our souls, somehow we talk to each other.

I have even seen changes in your lifestyle. I am not sure if it is coincidental or motivated. But...it has been nice. I am still unsure of where this will go and I am going to leave it that way. I like how it is now. Unpredictable. I like your surprises of physical attention and the desire to want to be in my presence.

But despite all of this, I still won't allow myself to get attached. I can't. No longer can I throw my heart out there. Too many times have others not thought me worthy enough to love me.

But, gosh, do I enjoy your smile!

~

Only to end in Disaster

2010-09-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

My mind is a whirlwind. Can you find the right person and it be the wrong time in life? This challenges every moral I've ever had. I want so badly to pursue this and see where it will lead. To feel the attention, the possible love, the physical touch. To be cared about, to be treasured, to be thought of by someone else, to be longed for. But it will and should not ever happen. It is torture and wrong that this should be brought before me. I feel as if it is a test and mentally I am failing. I don't understand why. Why can't I have a chance at an opportunity like this again?

He is amazing as a person. Yet, this is wrong in every way. So it will stay undiscovered, untouched. I feel deprived by the opportunity.

I am having a hard time walking the line and staying on the proper side. He tempts me to walk with him on his side, if even just for company, yet I know I cannot. I have never been in this situation before, nor did I ever see myself here. I am so emotionally vulnerable that this is not a good situation. I want to love out loud for the first time in years. Not in secret silence.

This post is the first that I can say fits the heading of my blog better then any I have ever written.

Such a mess with no good outcomes.

~

The Beast

2010-08-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

I can barely breathe. I can barely open my eyes. I feel beaten beyond recognition. My limbs are heavy and feel as if they have been set afire. My face has grime and muck smeared everywhere. My hair is completely disheveled. I tried so many times to get up and go on, but this time I feel hopeless. I don't know what to do; where to turn.

....I have played this game for so long. I have smiled, said what I thought was right to keep his internal beast at ease. To keep him from destroying me more then he had already for the past 11 years. I thought once I escaped his grasp it would be over. And in reality it wasn't so horribly bad until I left. It was then that the beast within him emerged. It was a beast that had been hibernating all this time. It was as if I had been feeding the beast during those 11 years. I kept him happy, content and I didn't even realize what was lurking under that smile and charming blue eyes.

Now it has come out to destroy me, and it is ripping me apart, piece by piece, hour by hour of each day. Emotionally tearing me to shreds. At times I wish the beast would attack physically because the pain would be so much easier to handle and much easier to take action against. But instead he passively attacks me with every dysfunctional, mentally insane morsel of his being.

At this point, there is not one thing that I can find decent about him. He is a beast that breathes only for himself. His minds is a short-circuited motherboard of lust, envy and jealousy. There are no longer priorities and responsibilities.

My repeated response is to run. Take my most prized possession and run. Run away form this crazy being who is destroying both of our lives. Run, before it gets even more out of control. But, I don't have the strength. I'm too weak, too broken.

My next thought it to protect my little one from him. But I don't know how. So I tell her all that I can as her protector. She is my life. I am lucky that the time the beast is with my light is very minimal.

I don't know how much more I can take of him scratching and gnawing at my soul. My walls are very strong, but my self-esteem and self-worth are very tarnished and weak. And this he is very aware of. He needs to be put in a cage, to be tamed, to be brought back into reality. I wonder if that time will ever come. Until then, I have decided to seek help from an outside source. I can no longer take care of these wounds. They are too deep, too fresh and too intense. I have not been able to heal from the old ones before he lashes out new ones.

So as I lay tattered and destroyed in a desolate hell that I have made for myself by the choices of my life, I can ultimately still see the light shining. And that is because I will never let her leave me side.

Spark

2010-04-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've lost my spark. My spark for life. I feel numb. At times I wonder if it is only temporary or is this me. So much has been happening in my life; in my mind; in my heart; in my soul that I have tuned out from feeling. It seems to be my only way to survive.

~

two

2010-03-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

two different worlds, yet souls traveling on the same plane. their worlds will never intercept. they enjoy the time they share the same space. the comfort they both receive from the power that radiates from the energy they produce while in the same space. it's intense. it is beyond feelings of the heart and mind. these are connections that have been made by the maker. these connections bind them together for eternity. through the black abyss of eternity and the blue hues of bliss. why were they destined not to be put in the same worlds? to be tortured even more? so close, yet so very far away. they are able to touch; able to enjoy each other's physical bodies to a great extent; able to enjoy each other's minds, but not life. too much distance is between them.

night and day, hot and cold, black and white; much is the same. will there be an eclipse, warm or gray? most likely not. there is no middle world for them. worlds have expectations and judgements; the dimensions of souls do not. understanding, acceptance, comfort, assurance, love, all without an utterance.

time...time will be on their side. worlds end, bodies age, dimensional planes are endless, souls are inseparable.

~

Directions

2010-03-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

Which direction to go in life? Every day seems to hold a new choice of a direction to pick. Do I choose the one that is clear of obstacles and has a path that is visible as far as I can see? Or do I choose the path that has many obstacles and luscious tress that seem to embrace you just by looking at them? Or do I choose the path that has dead rubble littering the way? I have chosen every one of these paths and even others. I think the majority of the time I choose the path full of obstacles, but I am pulled into this path by the inviting nature of the surroundings. I seem to be searching for serenity on these paths and each time my compass seems to be off. The trees embrace me and for a short while I feel warm and content, to only find that the tree is hollow and cold inside. There is no warm place for me when I need it most. I find that on this path the trees block the sun on days when all I want is to bask in its rays.

The trees are full of branches and leaves. Leaves of every color, every size. They seem to drowned out every other part of nature on this path. It is as if the path is consumed with pieces of shrubs, branches, leaves, twigs, pine needles, cones, sap, and any other debris that sheds from this woody plant. I traipse through the rubbish and make it to another fork in the path of life. Again I am tempted by the invitation of the lovely beauty of the trees. But this time I think better of it and take the path with the discarded goods. Things that others have thrown out. I think I will try this path for a bit and see where it will lead me.

I have walked this path by myself with many people. Some in front of me, telling me which direction I will take, some beside me, choosing the path with me and some behind me, taking my lead. I find that each one of these situations has its moments and appropriate times in my journey. For quite some time now, I have been on this journey alone and typically I have been comfortable with this. But as I am aging, I find that I am becoming lonely. No longer do I want to choose the direction of the over-powering cold, hollow trees. I want to bask in the sun and venture through the star speckled nights with a hand in mine.

Will my compass point me in the direction where I will find the path that will lead me to this serenity?

~

2010-01-26T09:14:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to breathe, yet I still am. I feel nervous and extremely exhausted. My eyes can barely stay open. Yet when I close them I cannot sleep. My body trembles. My chest hurts. My mind hurts. Tears want to stream down my face yet I cannot get them out. I never wanted to be in this place again. I swore I would never get here. But it happened so quickly, that I didn't even know it happened....Or did it? Did I ignore the signs? Was I in denial? I can't be here again. I can't struggle to climb back up out of this internal hell. The scars from before are still visible. My arms are not strong enough to pull me up. My hands feel as if they are already bleeding from clawing at the walls. My voice is inaudible. How can I escape?

Help me....

Lost in Loss

2010-01-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

So much has changed.

You don't hear me. You don't touch me.
You don't smile like you used to. There is no desire for improvement. It is as if your light to continue is down to a flicker.

It is as if I can't feel you anymore. I used to be able to bare my soul to you and feel you reach out to me. No I feel nothing from you. My love does not seem enough to bring back what we shared.

We used to laugh together. We used to enjoy each other physically. There was a time when you couldn't get enough of my body. Now it is as if you don't even see me. You have no desire to wrap your arms around me, or to lie in bed and bury your face in my neck. You don't cover me in kisses. I can't seem to even bring your body satisfaction.

I feel as if I am not good enough. I know you have told me so many times that is not true, but it is my own insecurities speaking. I know you can do nothing about that. I hurt when I can't talk to you, feel you or just look at you, knowing you care for me.

I so miss your smile, even your smirk; the one I saw on the first day I met you.
All I can do is continue to pray. Every night I stand outside and look at a star you pointed out to me the last time you were at my house and say a prayer for you. You are such an amazing person. When your future starts getting brighter and if you don't feel there is a place for me any longer, I'll understand, as long as you can get to where your heart and soul can smile.

You will always be the only one I have shared my soul with. I have shared my dreams, nightmares, fears, hopes, desires, failures and love with you.

I think back to when I used to look for a new writing from you all the time. I never thought we would actually have been a "real" part of each other's lives.

I will always be here for you.

I love you.

~

Things

2010-01-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

I heard something a few days ago that I can't stop thinking about. It was: "If he doesn't give you anything, then he doesn't love you." This struck me very deeply when I heard it. I had been off in my own world throughout the entire presentation before that. At first I thought it was a horrible "standard" to use. Why does someone have to give you things to show their love, affection and appreciation? As I thought more, I realized it has nothing to do with "things", but yes if you love someone you should be giving something. Your time, your care, your support, you ear, you heart, your friendship, your compassion, etc. If you are able to give materialistically then great, but it's not a requirement.

This has actually been haunting me since I heard it. I realize that I am not receiving any of these things from some of those I love. From others in the past, I feel they gave to give just the tangible things because they didn't truly care for me enough to give the things that matter. Why is this such a difficult task? Why do I pour out these things (in both forms) only to be shattered in the end? I would be happy with even the smallest fraction of anything.

The illusional conclusion I end at, is that I don't deserve these things. I don't deserve to be told, shown or given anything to make me feel good about me. I don't deserve someone to care about the daily events of my day. The thoughts that trouble me or those that make me smile. Am I truly that boring or that much or a nuisance? There have been those that at first I thought it would be different, but eventually it all goes the same way. I am tired of feeling this way. It makes me want to emotionally crawl into my private hole and shut everyone out emotionally. I will be just a functioning shell. Not that they will notice.

It is horrible to want to be loved by those who can't love you and to not love those who do love you. It just seems wrong.
~

Selfish Amazement

2009-12-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

How is is possible for the characteristic of selfishness to be so profound in one individual? It absolutely amazes me. To be able to go through each day with the only purpose of making oneself happy, pleased, and satisfied. Not to care about the others who surround them with love and affection.

I have learned these past three years that you cannot change the core of a person. That is so right on the point and completely accurate. (I ever want to attempt that task.) If the core of a person is not attractive to me then I need to move on. I don't need to put my time, energy and love into something that will never be. This sure is easier to write then to actually put into practice.

Have can someone say they love you when they don't even think of you in their actions? How is it possible to be so absolutely careless? A lot of the time this selfishness and carelessness is covered up by words, empty words, empty promises, empty dreams. Only words, not actions, this way the underlying motive of self gratification is still the top priority.

No matter how much you love someone, some individuals are just completely unhealthy to surround ourself with. Typically the warning signs are ignored. The truth is not realized until it is so difficult to break away.

I'm angry, hurt, pleased and overall the situation is bittersweet. After all this time, I see the way and I am glad to be free of the weight that was drowning me
~

Want Me

2009-12-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

Want me
Want to love me
Want to cherish my life
Want to be happy with me
Want to make me smile
Want to spend time with me
Want to care about me
Want happiness
Want to stand by my side
Want to hold me
Want to laugh with me
Want to be intimate with me
Want to argue with me
Want to remember me
Want to think of me
Want to show me you care
Want to experience life with me
Want to learn with me
Want to help me
Want to do little things for me
Want to take care of me
Want all of me, good or bad.

If not, let me know. I have realized at this point I need these things or at least some of them in my life.

~

Love Me

2009-10-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

Love all of me
Want me
Hold me
Listen to me
Care about me
Live life with me
Enjoy me
Talk to me
Cry with me
Laugh with me
Argue with me
Sit with me
Share with me
Open up to me
Give your heart and soul to me
Kiss me
Hug me
Make love to me
Learn with me
Hope with me
Appreciate me
Respect me
Like me
Help me
Love with me
Relax with me
Inspire me
Teach me
Challenge me
Experience life with me

Unobtainable desires.

~

Colors

2009-10-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

At times the world seems black from my eyes; everything blended together in chaos.
Other times it's red; scalding with fury.
Even blue like my eyes; full of despair.
Rarely do I see yellow; serene tranquility.

White is typically what I see; nothing, the absence of all colors.

My abyss is white. Filled of nothingness. The shame of my choices, my failures, my disappointments fill the abyss and morph into an invisible demon that eats at my soul. My physical self feels the pain that is created from the holes. I am slipping away into the nothingness, becoming nothing. My soul aches yet feels numb.

I can no longer attempt to save myself, nor can anyone else throw a life-line. I am lost. I have tried to reach out as far as my arm will extend only to find myself grasping air. There is no one to hold on to. No one is there to help. No one to see me slipping away. No one to care for my empty soul.

My heart aches as it is picked away. Little by little, piece by piece, people take what they want or feel they need. Then instead of returning it they discard it as a piece a litter. To be trampled carelessly by the masses. Draining, so very draining that it is hard to continue to keep my eyes open and my lungs expanding.

What will happen when all the pieces of me have disintegrated? Will I be able to live in the white of my hole I have created? All I see is the white in every direction I turn. There is no one there. No one to comfort me. No one to love me. No one to walk with me in the nothingness.

~

2009-09-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

How did I turn out this way? How did my life turn into a distaster?

How did I become such a failure?

~

Forever Rare

2009-09-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

As I lay securely in your arms, our bare bodies intertwined, my soul is free.
My senses are acutely alert. Your scent entices me physically yet relaxes my mind.
The sound of your heartbeat makes me realize that this is real. I can feel your strength physically with being in your embrace.
Your gentle touch sends a euphoric shock through my entire being. I could lay here forever. At these moments it's as if nothing else matters. It's just us enjoying each other.

You allow me to be myself. You hear my thoughts, my ideas, I have poured my soul out to you. I have told you my fears, my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams, my nightmares. You have accepted me despite me being who I am. My mask has never been on in your presence. I feel safe both physically and mentally.

I treasure this relationship we have established. You are my best friend. Our friendship is like no other I have ever experienced. I am forever grateful to you. You are an amazing person. Your mind challenges me, yet respects me. Your heart is so full of love and affection. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes if even for a split second. That is all it would take for you to realize your worth, your importance.

You are an incredible person. I am so proud of you. Just you. You are so charismatic, honest, intelligent. You are valued by many even though you can't see that. I value you, to your core. I will always be here for you. In times of rage, depression, anxiety, pain, and even the few happy times. I will by by your side in any way you need me to. I will support your choices and learn with you as you travel in life. I will hold you when you need physical support; I will keep my distance when you need space. I will share in physical ecstasy with you anytime.

I will forever be your friend.

In your arms, as I lay listening to your breath and feel it on the back of my neck, I know that I have found something so very rare. I feel so blessed. Thank you for letting me into your life. Thank you for being you.

I love you.

~

Dream

2009-09-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

I saw you last night in my dream. I couldn't believe it was really you. It was as our lives are in present day. You were just how I remembered. When I awoke I couldn't stop my mind from thinking of you, our history and what you promised me in my dream would be our future. I was so puzzled yet so thankful to see you again. Maybe our paths will cross in the future.

~

Change

2009-08-17T18:31:00.001-07:00

I can't do this anymore. I need help. I need to fix me. To see the reflection of me in someone elses eyes is devastating. It makes me finally be able to ask for help. I've never been able to do that before. But I can't keep being me. It's not working.

Hate

2009-08-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

I hate my life.
I hate my choices.
I hate my mistakes.
I hate my disapointments.
I hate my mind.
I hate my heart.
I hate my soul.
I hate me.

Is Anyone Listening?

2009-08-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

Is anyone listening?
To me talk, to me yell, to me cry?

Is anyone listening?
To my heart beat, to my breath, to my hands shaking, to my mind racing?

Is anyone listening?
To my soul crying, to the screaming of my insanity?

Is anyone listening?
To my yearning to love someone, to my heart calling out, to my aching?

Is anyone listening?
To my dreams, to my aspirations, to my my goals?

Is anyone listening?
To my fantasies, to my wants, to my desires?

Is anyone listening?
To me crying out for help without tears, to the physical signs?

Is anyone listening?
To my mask cracking with every fake smile, to the sound of the paint brush as I repaint the cracks?

Is anyone listening?
To the helplessness, to the hopelessness, to the failure?

Is anyone listening?
To my steps as I creep through time?

Is anyone listening?
To my fingers as they type out the craziness of my mind?

Is anyone listening?
In the early hours when I can't sleep, when I need physical touch?

Is anyone listening?
To me, the real me. All of me...

Does anyone care or even notice?

Life Preserver

2009-07-30T13:15:00.001-07:00

Almost seven years ago I was given my life preserver. I knew that I needed one, but never did I dream I would be blessed with something so wonderful and perfect.

I've battled depression for as long as I can remember; even as far back as my childhood. At times the depression would consume me as a whole and once it almost won the battle of life. The majority of the time the depression was in full effect. It was a constant battle to function everyday. I would have to repaint the mask I wore everyday just to step outside my room. I had no reason to continue to fight. No reason to be tortured on the inside, and outside, any longer. Then I was given my life preserver.

She is the most wonderful soul I have ever come across. She is caring, loving, affectionate, strong-willed, smart, kind, stubborn, quick-witted, warm, hilarious, adorable, and she is my life. She has saved my life. It is for her that I get up every day. It is for her I go to work. It is for her that I fight for my life. The depression has not gone away. It is merely sleeping. And there are times it comes out of hibernation. At these times I have to try to stayed focused and cling to my life preserver. Just her hug and her smile make things better. Her laugh is contagious no matter how depressed I am. She will make me laugh when I feel I just can't take it anymore and I end up crying and laughing at the same time.

There are nights when I can't seem to stop my brain from trampling me and I will go into her room and just lay with her. To feel her next to me seems to bring things into perspective and if that doesn't happen I at least feel a sense of completeness just being near her.

Of course she has no idea, thus far in her life, that she is my light. I want her to know that she is the world to me, but not to know all the reasons.

It has been a battle to keep my life preserver afloat though. She too has been fighting for her life, but thankfully not for the same reasons I do. That is my biggest fear and will be my biggest failure to have her feel the burden I do.

I can't thank God enough for the blessing of my life preserver. It truly has saved my life. I cling to it everyday.

~

Fairytale

2009-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Fairytale

Your embrace keeps my heart in place. I feel your soft breath on my neck. Your body is entwined with mine. I feel so safe and secure. Your soul has taken ahold of mine. They are soaring freely together peacefully.

There are no rules, no expectations, no disappointments, no sorow, no pain and no agony here. There is acceptance, uncondional love, contentment, hope, and most of all peace in the purest form.

You have saved me from myself. You have helped me see the rays of sun light through my dark clouds. You have helped me to breathe in a way that is soothing. You have helped me smile.

I have shown you peace. I have shown you acceptance and love. You finally feel comfortable in your own skin and in life.

This is my fairytale. At some point in my life I hope to experience this. I hope to feel this and I desire for another to feel this way because of who I am. Together we will have each other. We can finally accept life for what it is and embrace it. We will have unconitional love from another besides Him. We will share our hearts, our minds, our bodies, and eternity.

Of course that is why this is only a fairytale.

Falling Out

2009-07-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

How do you fall out of love with someone? How is it that you can feel that you love someone to their core and want to spend your life with them and then later in life feel different? I understand how the love diminishes when abuse, infidelity, addiction, criminal behavior, etc. occurs, but why do we just fall out of love? It seems to happen just as when we fall in love with someone. It can happen gradually over a period of time.

Falling out of love is just as scary as falling in love. It too, is unknown and unpredictable. I have sat here wondering how I have fallen out of love with certain people. Some of situations make rational sense and give me something to grab on to, but there are others that just don't make any sense at all. Did I feel there was something better out there? Did I not feel complete? I have no idea. This scares the hell out of me. I want to fall in love and stay there. I understand the love changes to different levels; I just don't want it to disappear.

It seems as if we fall in love with different individuals at different phases of our lives. As we grow, we may not grow the same way our partner does, which may lead to the love diminishing. We may still love this person endlessly, but not be in love with them to where a relationship is sustainable. This is the only explanation I have been able to come up with. I feel I have changed and grown into the person I am today. I am still growing. I have been in love before and I feel I am no longer in love with those people because we grew in different ways and grew apart. Again this scares me and makes me sad for my future. I will always be changing and always trying to improve myself as a person. Does this mean that I will not be able to find someone to share the rest of my life with? Will I not have security in this aspect of my life? Can I not find someone to grow with? To understand me or at least be understanding?

It seems the people I fall in love with, I am not compatible with. Either because of what we want in the future, our lifestyles, our beliefs, etc. But that doesn't mean I don't love them any less, just means I set myself up for failure. You would think after the experiences I have had I would at least be a little better with falling in love so I don't fall out of it.

As I have posted before, my mind and heart are rarely in agreement. If only I could think through my emotions logically and not emotionally. But I guess then they wouldn't be emotions. I know that they would at least hurt less and cause less destruction.

No Title

2009-06-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

My feelings of a failure as a person are confirmed in my life. My life is the result of many choices I have made. Both good and bad. But at this current point in my life I struggle with where I am as a result of these choices. What could I have done different? What could I have done better? At this point the answer to these questions are pointless. My life is what it is at this moment. My life is undesirable and unlovable by others. So... I guess that means I need to embrace it. I am searching for the strength to do this. In books, in therapy, in friendships; anywhere I can. I have no strength, only weaknesses that feed into my insanity.

Another day will pass, responsibilities will be fulfilled, smiles will be delivered and love will be poured out unto others. Will I ever feel the love in return. I am afraid of this answer. What will the conclusion of my life bring? Eternal sadness?

Reprogramming of the mind and heart is a hard task. I have no idea why I am attempting this challenge. I feel hopeless and overwhelmed by the idea. Yet I continue to try. Most likely just to add it to my failures. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. No hope for reprogramming. No end in sight. I travel this path alone and will continue to. The reality of bringing others into this darkness brings a pain to my soul that I can not handle. I want to scream and cry and release pain at this thought. No one should be infected with me. There is no cure for me. Distance is the only immunization against the disease of my mind.

The pain is overwhelming. The loneliness unbearable. The guilt is devastating. The shame of what I have become is crippling.
~

Hole In My Chest

2009-06-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

Why can we not choose who we love? Why does our mind. heart and body not respond and feel the way it should about someone who would be the better choice? How can you love someone so much and still hate them at the same time? Is it because you love who you want them to be? Who they presented themselves to be? Who they promised they would be for you? It is all so fake. People, feelings, love; all a facade. Lust, selfishness, ecstasy; those are reality.

Everyone is using someone for something. There is no unconditional relationship. Everything will come to an end except for your memories. And even those will fade with time when they have others pushing them out. Emotions are a nuisance. All they bring is short lived happiness followed by life-shattering destruction. Choices should be made my the mind, not the heart. The heart is only good for loving children and for its functional purpose. It is wrong to have your heart hurt because of emotion. I want to rip it out when I feel this pain. I want to scream. I want it to cease beating.

Why can't everyone be honest and up-front from the beginning? Why can't they say, "Hello, I am ____ and I am a liar who will tell you things you want to believe are true, but in reality and I just trying to fulfill my own desires and needs. I will hurt you, let you down and devastate your life." At least they would be truthful. Or they could say, " Hello, I am the person you are going to trust more then anyone, you will want to share your life with me, but these will never be my goals and I will never truly feel for you as you do me. So, just know I only have selfish intentions and when you are let down by my lack of feelings, don't be surprised." Do you know how many hearts and lives would be spared if everyone would just be honest to themselves and others?

It pisses me off that we sit here and invest time, energy, our families and our lives for nothing. What do you do just pass time with someone who you know is lying to you or using you for their own benefit just to avoid being alone? Do we do this because of our feelings and desire for them? Do we sacrifice our self because we want so desperately for them to feel for us? I guess we do. And in the end we yell, scream, cry, shut down and kill off another piece of ourselves.

What happens when there are no pieces left? Will we just be an empty shell? At times I feel this way. I feel as if little by little I have killed off my heart. Giving pieces of it away to those who won it over. All of them with ill-intentions and intentions only for themselves. Little did I know they never truly cared for me. Now I am left with a whole in my chest where my heart used to be. The scary thing is that I still feel the phantom pains from it. I wonder if these will ever cease.

~

Colbie Caillat - Fallin’ For You

2009-06-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

This is an incredible song. Can't wait until it comes out to purchase. This is how I hope to feel someday.
~

Thank you for your friendship

2009-06-17T09:14:00.001-07:00

I want to take this chance to say thank you to a friend who has helped me. I feel that I use this blog to vent only negative things and feelings and I should take this time to say thank you for a positive.

I want to say thank you for not judging. Thank you for letting me be me and accepting me for me. You have let me be the person I have wanted to be for so long but was trapped inside myself. You bring out a side of me that is carefree, relaxed, comfortable and actually happy. Thank you for showing me a different side of life. A side that is okay to live. A side where my hurts and pain are understood and cared for. You have taken me to a place in this world and life that I didn't know existed. I feel safe in this place and actually cared for. It is a place where I actually believe the words that are spoken and do not feel like I am surrounded by illusions. Maybe this place is an illusion of reality. Whatever, I enjoy it and am starting to miss it when I am away.

Your smile and just your simple words know that I have found a friend. A friend who will stand with me through this journey. I friend that no matter what, will not try to pick me up when I am down, but lie on the ground with me. A friend who has been through so very much in life and continues to have these challenges each day, yet still finds a place to care for others. As much as you see yourself as selfish, I could not disagree more. Just the simple smile of your eyes shows you care.

I know we will continue our friendship throughout the years. We will look back on life and our journey as friends and reminisce our times together. We will share a drink, a smoke and a laugh. Maybe even a few moments that make us blush.

Again, the point of this post was to say thank you. Thank you for all you do that you don't even know. You have no idea how you have changed my outlook, my attitude, my mind, my heart, my life. I treasure our friendship. I am engaged by your thoughts. I value your life.

I thank you for accepting me. I thank you for the honor of being your friend.

~

Misdirection

2009-06-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

I seem to be in a haze lately. Or a fog. My emotions are everywhere. I go from confident in my feelings to unsure, to feeling ultimately numb. I seem to be numb most of the time. There are so many different parts of me that I can't compliment all the time. If I live one way I have a desire to do something else. If I fulfill that desire then I leave out the other parts of me that are screaming. My personality has too many pieces. The problem with this, besides trying to keep all the pieces satisfied, is that I feel defeated when trying to find someone to share all these pieces with.

My life has come down to a daily routine that overall is boring and not mentally stimulating or productive. I'm not sure what would change this or if I really want to change this. I don't seem to have the energy to do anything about it. When I do have the energy I don't direct it in the most positive or receptive places.

I am misguided. I have lost my direction, or never had it. I am lost in my travels of life. There are times when I feel I am venturing down the correct path and feel excited and happy to proceed, just to fall flat on my face from tripping over a dead tree I didn't see right in front of me. It must be because I am blind to obstacles until I fall. I feel I have tripped and am covered in grime. I am tattered from the fall. But most of all I am ashamed of misguiding myself.

Now I feel as if I have no direction. Stuck in this fog, wandering aimlessly. My hand is no longer out-stretched waiting for someone to come walk with me. Waiting for that person to show me the dead tree and help me step over it. Now, I will put my hands in my pockets and continue to fall on my face. I will wipe the grime off by myself and continue on my way.

~

Mind Over Heart

2009-06-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Can your mind over-power your heart? Is it possible to trick your heart into "feeling" what is best and not what it wants to? I have wondered this question for quiet some time. My heart and mind have differed on many occasions. My mind seems to know what the best choice is but my heart leads my mind off the right path. My heart leads me down this path of bliss, at first, and then ultimate destruction in the end. It is always a crash course. I am not sure if any good has come out of these crash courses I have ventured down. The result is always scrapes, brokenness, aching, tears, anger, failure. I have felt so much failure from my heart leading the way that I have given my mind the control to lead the way lately. It is a constant battle with my heart trying to steal the power. At times I feel I have been weak and let me heart take the wheel. Again, I feel as if I am going to end up on a destructive path that will only end in my heart again being shattered.

I have yet to find a way of functioning in life without my heart. It would be nice to not feel the horrible effects of heartache. But then again, I would never feel the bliss and euphoria of love either. It is a trade-off. One that I have yet to control. I have tried to put my heart in the back seat and let it speak up only after a long drive. I feel the heart needs to sit back and observe its surroundings. It needs to not be so quick to leap and speak out.

My heart has been so cold for so long now. I have let me mind take over. There have been no moments of bliss or euphoria. I miss those feelings. I miss feel loved and feeling love for another. I miss bringing a smile to another's heart. So... because of these feelings, I let my heart start to defrost. It seems to have taken the role of the "back-seat driver." It has not yet taken the wheel, but has definitely been speaking up.

This frightens me. I get nervous and feel insecure. All my faults and insecurities come to the surface of my mind. It is like driving in a blizzard. Constantly dodging obstacles. I do this to myself. Lessons learned on this life adventure come back to haunt me. But I have to remember that not every path has the same destination.

I hope to someday be able to turn over the wheel to my heart and let it lead me down a path with someone else's heart sitting next to me. My mind will be cozy in the back seat, alert, but content with the journey. Until then I will fight the battle of who is driving. I hope to get through the blizzard and just deal with occasional showers.

Anywhere

2009-06-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

"Anywhere"

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you now

by: Evanescence

Hope

2009-06-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hope

I hope to see your face
I hope to feel the warmth of your embrace
I long to see you in my dreams
I long to feel you next to me

I hope you will understand me
I hope my dysfunction you will not see
I want you to hold me when I cry
I want you to stand away when I sigh

I wonder if you are out there
I wonder if for me you will care
I hope you will stay by my side
I hope you will not run and hide

I can only offer my heart
I can only hope this is what it will take to make this start
I want to love you how you are
I want to hold you even if from afar

I can offer you my soul
I can only hope it will fill my life's hole
I will give all that I can
I will always be changing and hope you can withstand

I know my walls will crumble
I know you will not stumble
I will lead the way
I will pray that you will stay

I will hope that your heart can love me
I will hope that in life we can be
I will pray that you will see
That forever we will be we.

You will be my life
I hope to someday be yours.

Failures

2009-05-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been consumed with reminiscing about my failures. I have been sucked into this depression and have fixated on them. They seem to replay in my head over and over. The poor choices I made, and yes now that I have been enlightened on a different perspective of regret, I feel much regret. I feel hurt, pain, endless sadness and hopeless. I feel as if my heart has broken and is froze over. My soul has turned black and will crumble into ash if touched.

There are relationship failures, career failures, educational failures, and the list continues.

So many relationship failures. Friendships, family relationships, intimate relationships all ended. I have grown and learned from them, but have been hurt and so have others in the devastation of them. I have been told that I now am sabotaging relationships by not opening up and expressing my feelings. I am nervous to open up as most likely the situation will end in yet another failure. But then how do I ever find happiness with another if I don't take on the challenge of the potential failure? A question I cannot answer.

I have failed as a friend as well. The closest people in my life, in this aspect, seem to disappear. It must be me. How do I fail them? Was I not available? Did I not listen? Did I not convey my care for them? Again, a question I cannot answer.

Career failures seem to be huge at this point in my life. I don't feel as if I even have a career. I am not doing anything productive. I am not making a difference. I have so many ideas and dreams that I would love to do in this part of my life, but because of poor choices will not see any of it come to fruition.

Educational failures. I had originally set out to do school quickly and worked so hard to accomplish this. Yet to no avail. Yes, I completed the goal, but not as I had planned. My ultimate educational goal seems unobtainable.

From all of these failures, my spirit is dead.

Letting Go

2009-05-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's time to let go. I feel so relieved and heart-broken at the same time. This is probably the "healthiest" thing that has happened in my life in a long time. So I will embrace it and let go completely. I am not well versed in this but it is time I learn. I will happily store the memories where they will be treasured. I am ready to move on in my life. I am ready to look forward. Wish me luck.

~

Expectations for the Second Time (with minor-revisions)

2009-05-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

Re-posting (with minor edits) because I still feel this way. Thought it was fitting.

Expectations. How to live up to them. How to not put them on others. Everywhere you look there are expectations. I am tired of having others expecting me to be someone other than me. I just want to go with the flow. I am a little bit of everything. There are times when I am professional, times I am very religious, times when I am crazy, carefree, emotional, mothering, times when I just want to cry, happy times, and pissed off times. I am so many personality types all wrapped into one small package. Don’t expect me to be happy all the time. Don’t expect the smile to be shinning every day. True, it is there most of the time, but if you know me, the real me, then you know that I do smile all the time, but that it is rarely a reflection of my emotions. Don’t expect me to tell you why my smile has dissipated. Don’t expect that there has to be something wrong because I am quiet. Don’t expect that I assume anything.

Don’t expect me to live up to standards. Don’t expect me to be the “perfect woman.” Don’t expect me to be the perfect mom (although I try, very hard). Don’t expect me to make the right choices. Sometimes I make decisions with my heart and at times I make them with my mind. Not that I necessarily make the right choices, but they were the ones I thought were the best at the time. Don’t expect me to be attracted to who looks best next to me. Don’t expect me to love who is the “best” choice. Don’t expect that I won’t change my mind. Don’t expect that I am satisfied because you are.

Expect me to be me. Expect me to be true to my word and my beliefs. Expect me to not tell you what is wrong unless we have established a very intense, deep bond. Expect me to be the one who is over caring and would do anything for anyone. Expect me to be emotionally closed off. Expect me to believe what you say, but to have reservations. Expect me to have many doubts about myself and anyone who attempts to get close to me. Expect me to want to be swept off my feet emotionally, but to be wary of anyone that tries. Expect that I have been through a lot and that I have been very damaged. Also, expect that I am a very strong, self-sufficient and independent woman.

But most of all, expect that I am me and that is who I will always be. I am always changing and can never live up to any expectations.

~

Inside My Heart

2009-05-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Inside my heart there seems to be many places. Cold places, warm places; places that are numb, places that are drowning in depression; other places that are soaring with delight. There are secret places as well. Only a select few even know these exist because to know of these places, someone has to know "me." This doesn't happen very often. There are too many cold places in my heart that detour even the most courageous to finding these secret places.

Inside my heart there are places reserved for family, friends and even just issues that seem to find my weaknesses. These places are indifferent at times. Most of the time they are painted as a cloud filled sky. Sometimes the clouds are gray and others they are giant and puffy, filled with emotion.

The most secret part of my heart seems to have closed itself off to the world. The door to this place is made of steel, which keeps this place cold and frigid. There are no windows, so no one can peak in. The only way in is through honesty, integrity, trust, compassion, and understanding. Then I may look through the peep hole to see who could possibly be interested in this part of my heart. It is frightening to me when someone is actually standing on the other side of the door. Who would be interested in such a place. This is puzzling to me. Yet, when and if anyone is ever let in, this place is exciting, and the most loving part of my heart. It is vulnerable and carefree.

Does anyone dare to knock on the door? Will I ever get to look through the peep hole and smile to see who is on the other side?

~

Abyss

2009-05-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

It's 3AM....

My body feels as if it weighs that of the world. I feel my hands, fingers feet and toes as I wiggle them. I can't seem to feel my limbs as they are too heavy. My mind is like a highway. Some thoughts traveling fast one way, and others stuck in gridlock. This is what must keep REM from me. Not the thoughts that are traveling, but those that seem to be forever stuck. Stuck in their own abyss.

The abyss that I have created in my own mind. My own warped sense of reality. Or wait, maybe it's not reality, but maybe it is a dream. Whatever it is, it consumes my consciousness. It is so strong that is overpowers my body and makes it useless; it's an anchor. An anchor to keep me drowning. The small motions that I am able to produce with my fingers and toes are of no help. They are in no way going to help me escape.

My eyelids feel too small for my eyes and do not help me drift away. The are screaming as they rush to cover my lenses, yet can't seem to stay shut. My eyes are open as I drift off to a state of sleeping while awake. Is it possible to have your mind awake while your body is sleeping? This must be why my body is not responding.

Please, sleep....turn off my mind....let it rest...put the thoughts aside...escape from the abyss...
~

Empty Differences

2009-05-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

Has my life made a difference? I have sat here the last few days, as I have so many times in my life, and done just that: contemplated life. What if my soul had not been chosen to be put down on Earth? Would things have been the same? The answers I come up with sadden me and have added to my depression lately. I hate to say that unfortunately, I don't feel that I have made a difference. What worth has my life been? Am I just another person who fills space and then fades away. Who will from time to time be remembered, but who did nothing significant. I never thought that would be me. I always had these dreams and aspirations (as I am sure we all do growing up) that I would actually accomplish something profound, something to be proud of. I feel I have fallen so very short of that goal.

I feel as if I have wasted so many opportunities. Just let them pass me by because I have been too preoccupied with unimportant things. As I look back there are so many situations I just shake my head at and wonder what I was thinking. I can't say I regret my choices, because they have made me who I am today. They have made me strong-willed, stubborn, controlling, caring, loving, guarded, determined, and so many other things. But I feel those goals I had set for myself so long ago, that I wish I could still attain, are just a fantasy from my youth.

I do, however, have the one very incredible accomplishment I can be proud of in my life and I never over-look nor do I want her to think I don't think she is my life. She is my reason for life. Everyday I look at her and feel I have accomplished something. Maybe that is the difference I have made here.

But...in regards to my own successes, I feel empty. If I leave here, I leave here making no difference. I leave here empty.
~

Annual Obligatory Celebration

2009-04-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

The annual celebration of your life is supposed to be just that: a celebration. For as long as I can remember, it has been nothing but a dreaded day for me. I am always depressed on this day and typically the days leading up to it. I feel as if this day is nothing but an inconvenience for everyone around me. It is a day where the people who know me or even those who don't but who come into contact with me feel obligated to wish me a happy day. If they forget then automatically feel as if they screwed up and I am going to forever hold it against them. Is it so bad to just want to skip this day? Every year this day, or at least the days leading up to it, are horrible. Yes, this may be because I am used to the pattern and now except nothing but this. And yes, my mood probably helps set the stage for the days to unfold just as planned. It just seems there is always drama.

Just once would I like to be selfish on this one day and do what I would like to do. To have a peaceful day. To not have everyone gather into a small area where they are talking about their lives, their screwed up, failed relationships, their jobs, their horrible financial situations, or about each other. I want to go to a lake, go to a secluded beach, or to the mountains. Have a picnic with a few people who actually want to celebrate the day I was brought into this world. I don't want to spend a few hours of the day with people who feel they need to come hang out because we are "family" or because they want to "catch-up." I don't want to be a nuisance to the people who are putting this "celebration" together. It seems that there is always so much drama attached to getting people together and ultimately not worth it.

I will be very grateful for everyone who has given their time to come be with me on this day even though it most likely was out of obligation. I am hoping that after over three decades, next year I will be able to break the cycle and do it different.

~

2009-04-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

"Be very careful, then, how you live." - Ephesians 5:15

This was the Bible verse that was on my Dashboard on my computer today. Just thought it was ironic. Maybe it means something. Maybe its doesn't. Maybe I want it to.

~

Walls

2009-04-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Are they protecting me or closing me off? Are they doing more harm, then good? I seem to have built these walls around me and they are part of me now. They close off my emotions. I feel numb. I don’t even think the main reason of why I put them up is even why they are still there. I think it is because they are me. I don’t like this. I feel heartless at times. Cold.

I have mastered techniques of deflection. These techniques are part of me protecting myself. But at times it gets to the point where these techniques are creating a wall against me even having a normal, healthy (is there is such a thing?) relationship (I use this word broadly).

Vulnerability. I feel as if this is my enemy. I feel as if my walls are becoming weak. As if someone found the one loose brick and is wiggling it. I immediately rush to keep it in its place. There are other times I feel people try to climb my walls. I in turn just build higher. They then feel as if it is impossible to ever reach the top and join me on the other side. They are right. Some get discouraged. Others keep climbing as I bring them water to help them on their journey or even give them a boost. False hopes? I don’t know.

I want to remove the bricks in my wall. One by one. Destroy some and gently put the others aside. I need to move on. Be the me I am inside and share it with others. If I am vulnerable then I want to be vulnerable with someone to witness it.

Life is an adventure. I need to start living it and stop being so cautious. Take chances, take risks, and don’t lose myself or hide myself in the process.

~

Random Ramble of Insanity

2009-03-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

What prompts one to write? For me it is free time and a need to get my feelings out. I am not one to express my inner feelings, as I am guessing most aren’t. Those who know me would say I talk a lot, but if asked if they felt they really knew me they’d probably feel stumped.

So much has changed over these past years, even the last year for that matter. I have done so much soul searching, praying, and sinning. These past few months I have decided to live differently mentally. I am not exactly sure how to put this into words. But I feel I pray more and feel that He does have an ultimate plan for me. There have been times when I have asked for guidance, for any type of help, and felt my prayers went unanswered. Yet, now I see that it may not have been the right time for those prayers to be answered and He has waiting until I could appreciate and understand it more.

I have such a hard time letting go and moving on. It is such a huge flaw of mine. I need to stop looking back and concentrate on the future. Move on from my mistakes, yet learn from them. Come to peace with my mistakes and those of others who have hurt me, but made me the person I am. I am thankful for most of the life experiences, as I have grown from each one. At the time I may not have thought this, but in times of reminiscing I can see it.

I feel one of my biggest life lessons that I am still struggling with is trust. I have trusted very few people in my life and time and time again my judge of character has proved to be insufficient and led me to heartache. I don’t feel bitter but can see how I can come across that way when it comes to trusting. Numerous times I have heard that I have a wall up that no one cane seem to climb or break down. I have an argument for this. I have not always had a wall and typically I do error on the side of caution, yet there is no wall until someone decided to start building one for me. With each mistrusting moment, each lie, each blunt force trauma to my self-esteem places another brick in the wall. I forgive but have a hard time forgetting. This has been the ending factor for most of my serious relationships/friendhsips. Had there been more respect, I don’t think any bricks would have been laid to build the tall walls.

Relationships are learning adventures and I have made many, many mistakes. I feel I am at that point where I am not seeking out a relationship to fill a void in my life, as I have in the past. I think I went into many relationships (even though there hasn’t been that many total) looking to fill a piece of me. My new approach is to have it happen as it should. I am not looking, not pursuing. I am focusing on spending my time with positive influences for myself and my child. I want to bring something to others, as I want them to bring something into our lives. I want to be challenged, stimulated and cared for. I don’t want to do the drama that relationships (including friendships) bring with them. I am ok for the down times, but it is unnecessary to act as if we have not evolved since our teenage years.

I ramble incessantly. I have not written nor talked to anyone on a personal level in a quite some time. This of course is all by choice and related all back to the trust factor. I have been too open at times and only to hurt in the end.

For now I think I have bored everyone to a state of insanity.

~

Hopeless

2009-01-26T15:05:00.001-08:00

My heart is hard and my soul is cold...

Trust and Respect

2008-12-03T14:49:00.000-08:00

Trust. The word seems to encompass such a broad area of a relationship. A relationship of any type. To trust someone is to become vulnerable. I don't like to be vulnerable. It seems that when I have trusted I am deceived. Should there be an ultimate forgiveness for this? I am trying to figure that out.

Respect seems to follow Trust. How can you lead a healthy relationship without mutual respect? I don't think you can.

Are these two characteristics non-existent in our culture or am I missing the people who possess these qualities?

~

Future in the Past

2008-10-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

This is a ramble. Shouldn't start using this blog for a place to vent but I am, again.

Over half my life was spent daydreaming about a life with him and now it has crumbled. My feelings are uncertain. We have seemed to kill whatever we could have had; including our friendship. It's peculiar how you know something won't work but are sad to see it end.

I seem to always look back to find a future. I need to stop this cycle and move forward. I need a new start, emotionally. But need to heal from the past.

Just to find someone to listen would be nice. Someone who won't agree to everything I say, but challenge me in a respectful way.
~

Forever

2008-10-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it has been forever since I have blogged. A lot of life has been happening and a lot of soul searching. I guess you could call it that. Although, I am still searching because I still feel lost. Life is full of adventures and at times I am not too thrilled to be a part of the current adventure.

Once again, I have seemed to have had poor judgement. Something I should have left alone, I dove into head first. At times I wonder if I will ever learn. Funny thing is that it is crazy how personal relationships dictate your life. As much as I try for them not too, the relationship creeps into every aspect of my being.

My thoughts most likely are not making sense as they don't even to me. I feel as if I need to just have a break from dram in general, but wonder if that is possible and continue to live the day to day routine. So... at this time I'm going to step back as far as I can and try to figure out what I have learned from this mess and hopefully end this cycle I have repeated.

~

Waves

2008-02-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

Life has so many choices. Knowing if you have made the right ones is impossible. Situations change every day. Feelings get hurt, dreams get crushed, and hearts get broken by the minute. Regret can turn into a constant. Mental tranquility seems so far away. Fears continue to creep into your soul.
~

2007-10-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Time gets away from me. Perfect and I have been spending time together. Just hanging out. We have finally talked about our past and current feelings to an extent. I think after giving this so much thought over the last month and finally expressing myself to him that I am comfortable with us just staying friends as we have for so long. I think that sometimes there are situations where you can never get back the feelings that were once so strong and I think this is one of those times.

Annie and I are doing well. We have kept the boundaries that I have set up and I am good with that. I am enjoying the time by myself. Hey maybe it will be forever. Which I don't want but feel that may be my destiny. Only He knows and at times I feel as if I feep detouring from the road He has made for me.

This is just a short update.

~

Digging up the past

2007-09-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have gotten the best of me the past few days. I hung out with a good friend and some mutal friends this past weekend. We'll call him Perfect, because he pretty much is and always has been. We have been friends for over a decade and have always had a wonderful connection. In the way distant past we dated mildly. We never seemed to have the right timing and I never gave him a chance. I have regretted it at times, but overall I have never felt I was good enough for him. Now this is not due to anything he has said or done. It's just how I have felt. So, it turn I have never let my feelings for him grow into anything beyond a friendship and an attraction. Do I think we could have a good chance for a functioning relationship? Yes. I have never doubted that. But, I am not sure that he is ready for one right now. He is still settling into his own routine and is crazy busy with his career. But I do think he wants a relationship; someone to love and someone to be loved by.

I was told by one of our mutal friends that he does and has always had feelings for me. I was a little shocked because I thought we had moved into the just friends category. I was a little excited at the same time though, because the last several times we have hung out I have had an uncontrobable urge to take things beyond the friend category and kiss him. But of course I have refrained.

So now my mind has been running crazy. First, I need to clean up the strings from my past and be done as I can be. Second, I have this siutation of Annie. Annie, is my best friend and has been for more then half my life, but things are now more then friends and have been moving into areas of a relationship that I don't want. I have been open and honest about this. But we seem to have fallen into rountine with relatioship aspects. I am not comfortable with this. I don't want to go from my last relationship (my marriage) to another full blown relationship so quickly. It has been almost a year, but I don't feel I am ready. Again, I have stated this many a many times to make sure I am not being misleading. But things keep going further and further down the relationship road. I want some time and space for me and I want to make a good decision for my future and not feel rushed or pressured into it.

Annie and I are openly dating and can date others. Now he is not, but I have. I DO NOT want to jump into anything. I want to just be me, have a good time, but most of all I don't want to hurt anyone and that is why I have been open about not wanting anything serious right now.

I think I need to be a little more open and honest and tell him that I don't know if we will end up together. He already has our entire future planned and it freaks me out a little. I want him to slow down. I don't know if I could ever live with him. We are so different. But I do love him.

So... I have been a little mind boggled lately. I would like for Perfect and I to sit down and have a talk and see if there is even a reason for me to be contimplating this situation. I don't want to let myslef have feelings for him if he would prefer us to stay on the just friends level. Which, honestly I think he does and I am a little disappointed.

The roller coaster of life never seems to slow down.

~

To you

2007-09-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

So I needed to vent and get my feelings out so I wrote a letter to help me express myself. There will be another letter coming. The next letter will be to Ex.

To you,

I need to be completely honest. I am excited about a future with you yet I am not sure if it is what we should do. I need to slow down and figure out what is going on with Ex. I feel as if I am stuck in a whirlwind of emotion and craziness. If we are to be together then I want it to be out in the open. I don’t want to go out and worry who we are going to run into and if they are going to bring it up around Ex. I don’t want to hurt him even though I know I already have. I feel as if I have not completely ended one chapter of my life and have taken off speedy reading the next.

You are incredible and a life with you seems amazing. You continue to make me feel so special and worth your affection. I love to spend time with you. I love being in your arms. You are my best friend and you have been through the hardest times of my life with me. You know me better then anyone else, even if that is not complete. You know my faults and love me despite them. You love to do the little things just to make me smile. You go out of your way to see me and be of help. I love your soul, your heart and just everything you are. You really do complete me.

The last couple of days I have been a little worried though. I wonder if we could ever share a life together. We are so very different when it comes to life habits and priorities. True this may be just my mind set lately, but some things have perked my interest that I think could be troublesome in the future. Maybe these are things we could work out. No relationship is with out conflict and ours seems pretty close to it lately.

Another thing is sometimes I need my space. I know you are trying to spend as much time as you can with me and I appreciate you going out of you way to do that, but sometimes I need to just be with me. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I told you lately things with me won’t make sense. I like being with me and my child and that may pose a problem later. I don’t know how to tell you that I just want to hang out by myself. I know you would want me to be honest. But as with Ex, I just can’t because I know it would hurt you.

So maybe this is just part of me going through my funk. But I just don’t see the end of this funk without someone(s) getting hurt in all this. It has been a long while since this craziness of my life has started and I don’t see that it has settled down at all. I am hoping to make some drastic changes and calm it down.

I love you more than anything. You are my heart and soul and you always have been.

~

Escape

2007-09-07T12:03:00.001-07:00

I find I get myself into situations that I don’t want to handle. I then have this sense that I need to escape. I need to run. I guess when presented with a “flight or fight” situation I want to flee. It is odd because I am a fighter and always have been. But when it comes to hurting others I want to run away. I can’t handle that burden or stress. I don’t like the feeling that my choices can destroy someone and affect their lives forever.

I sometimes think back to choices I have made this past year and some I regret, some I think I was out of my mind and others I am still left feeling confused about. I think since it has been almost a year since I made these life choices that I am starting to forget the main reasons why I made them. Choosing to go out on my own and be a single mom was a very hard choice. But I felt it was the best choice for my child and myself. It took me years to finally go through with it and overall I think I am better because of the decision. But there are times when I feel I was selfish and shouldn’t have even considered my own happiness and sanity and just stayed for the others involved. Because of my choices, I am now dealing with the feelings of others. I can’t seem to shake the responsibility of other’s feelings. I feel horrible when someone else hurts because of me. And yes I know it is not all because of me. If things would have been different and if the other party would have made different choices then we wouldn’t be in this situation.

I wish I could be a cold-heartless bitch. It would be so much easier to not care about others and their futures.

I find myself pulling away from everyone who I am close to. I try to seclude myself, which seems impossible. I just want to put myself in this bubble with my child and go about each day living for her and walking down the path that God has made for us. I want to not feel guilty for someone else’s feelings. I just want to live a boring, content life.

I feel as if I am always and have always been fighting a war in my life. If it’s not with someone else, who it rarely is, then it is within myself. I want the battles to cease and there to be peace. I want my child to grow up knowing that life is enjoyable, to treasure every moment you have of it.

I need to escape. To feel the burdens disappear. I need to have serenity.
~

Hats

2007-08-31T11:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it is hard to juggle wearing so many hats: mommy, employee, student, mentor, teacher, chauffeur, daughter, best friend, etc. I feel as if I am wearing too many hats all at once. Things have been a little hectic lately but I think things are starting to settle down.

I have really slowed things down with Smiley. I think he is a great person, but not for me. Annie is wonderful and the “bestest” of friends.

So… I am going to be concentrating on being a mommy (nothing new with that) and student. Yes, I have gone back to school and I am excited about it. It sure has been a while since I have been back on a college campus as a student and there are many things about it that I can’t stand, but once I get in the classroom and start learning and I so glad I am there. I know it sounds weird, but I have found, as you get older you can really treasure education.

I feel as if God is giving me this time to get my life to a comfortable level, in all aspects that is. It will take some time and a lot of hard work but for my benefit and that of my child’s I am driven.

I am starting to realize, although very slowly, that I cannot please everyone, I cannot make them all happy with my choices, I can only do the best I can. I have to stop feeling so guilty about my choices and stand behind them. I know that I am not intentionally trying to hurt anyone and God knows that my heart means well even if it doesn’t come across that way.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

~

Destress and Openness

2007-08-03T14:06:00.001-07:00

So I am going to take a step back in life. I mean I need to distress my life. I have a hectic schedule with a small child to keep up with. I want to focus on doing the best I can for improving our “new” life with just the two of us. I don’t want the drama to continue to follow me throughout me life. Although I know some drama is inevitable.

First way to distress my life is I need to tell Smiley that this just isn’t a good time for me. This will be difficult but it will only be harder if I keep it going. He is a wonderful person. He has a few flaws that I don’t think I can look over. Of course he is willing to change because I have been open with him about them. But what guy doesn’t say that when he is trying to win you over. Who knows maybe we could be great together. I’m just starting to feel as if keeping this up is becoming a chore and that is not a good sign. So next weekend I will run into him, have a good time and maybe have a talk after this next outing.

Annie is being a wonderful friend. He understands that I need space and that I am going through a very rough time.

A divorce is never easy regardless of the circumstance and it is even harder when the other party is not in agreement. I did start the process and boy was that hard emotionally. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions: failure being biggest, guilt, feeling of selfishness, hurt, anger, disappointment in myself and the whole situation, regret, and just a whirlwind of others all mixed together. I feel as if things will never settle to a comfortable level with the situation. I know things will never be how I hope they will. I know that I can’t think my Ex will agree to just being parents that can talk and get along. Everyone keeps telling me that when “the dust settles” that things could go that way. I guess it is just hard to see when you are in the turmoil.

Off the subject, but my whole reason for doing this blog was to open up, and I have to an extent, but I am still holding so much back. It is so very hard for me to open up. I feel so vulnerable and I can’t stand that feeling. What is interesting is a lot of my very close friends have been telling me lately that I don’t do well with expressing my feelings and that is perplexing to me since I am so full of emotion. I always felt I wore my feelings on my sleeve, but I guess not. I am actually kind of happy about that. I know it is not fair to all those around me but I just don’t think I can be that open. I do have my moments with certain people that I will open up to an extent, but I just can’t bring myself to being hurt with the most intimate details of my being. So… now that I have rambled. That was kind of the point of this blog and I can see that I am going around points just as I do when I talk. It is as if I can’t be completely open outside of my own head.

So I am going to give it a try and not worry about how my feelings are judged. Here are the most reoccurring feelings I have been having in a nutshell:

* I know I need to get divorced, but I sometimes wonder if what I did by leaving was right. I mean it has been almost a year since I have left and I think that after all this time I am starting to lose perspective of the reasons I left in the first place. I also have such a guilty conscience and feel horrible about my Ex hurting. He is a good person and a wonderful father, but things between marriage and us didn’t work. He swears he has changed, and he has, I just don’t think either of us would ultimately be happy and I can’t imagine doing this all over again. But then I think that I am very selfish and I should have stayed and just made everyone else as happy as I could. I should not have worried about my own happiness.

* I love Annie and could see a future, but I am pushing this to the side. I don’t want to start something else at this point in my life. I am not in a good point emotionally in my life to be jumping into something else serious. I know it has been quite awhile since I left my Ex, but I want to be happy with me emotionally before I get into another relationship. I think that was a big mistake I made when I met my Ex, I had yet to heal from my prior relationship when I jumped into one with him and I don’t think that was fair to either of us. And, no, Annie had nothing to do with me leaving my Ex. I never cheated, never thought of cheating and I never would. Annie I think was a little hurt when I told him he had nothing to do with my marital problems. But for me that makes me feel so much better. I wouldn’t want my marriage to end because of an outside party.

* There are times when I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I like my space. I like to just relax with my child. I don’t have to be out and all prettied up. That is not me. I like to relax by doing simple things.

* More than anything I guess I need to realize that I cannot make everyone happy, nor can I come close. I need to get over my guilt and stop thinking I am protecting people by not being completely honest. I need to let go not matter how hard it is. Life sure is an incredible learning adventure. I am so glad that I have God’s grace to protect me and help me down this bumpy road. Goodness knows I have put a lot of bumps in my road when he is trying to smooth them out for me.

I feel I will make it through this hard time. I know it will get harder and people will be devastated in the midst of it all. I pray with all my might for the strength of those I care about to make it through this and if He has any strength left to send it my way.

~

Genuine

2007-07-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

So I don’t know what is going on in my life. I have been running for so long that I feel as if I can go no further. I need a break and I thought by making these life changes that I was getting my break. And yes, things were going well and overall I feel much better about myself. But, I wonder if the choices I made were really the right ones.

At times I wish everyone would go away and leave me alone. I need some space and just want to sit and sulk for a little bit in my own misery. I appreciate the thoughts and caring, but at times I wonder how genuine it is. It seems everyone is out to gain something for themselves. I wish I were better at that. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel this way. It’s ironic that I wish people would be more genuine, yet of all people I have such a hard time with that. I don’t want people to know what I am really feeling or if I am hurting. I have found to be completely genuine makes you incredibly vulnerable. That is one weakness I cannot concede to.

This has actually been a little bit of an issue with Smiley. He reminds me that I do not open up very much about my feelings. Its interesting because I don’t realize that I leave those details out. I have so many feelings and emotions that I forget I don’t verbalize them. I guess I am scared to. I have done it in the past and I think I have learned my lesson to not do it again. I know that makes me seem like I have a hard heart, but until can feel comfortable about putting myself out there, it just isn’t going to happen.

In regards to Smiley, he is a nice guy. We had a wonderful time when he came to visit and we met for the first time. He is really excited about us and the idea of the future and I am nervous. I have made it very clear to him that I am not ready to jump into anything and if that is not where he is I completely understand. I mean I still have a lot of things to finish up with the last chapter in my life. I don’t need to start writing the next one. I did that already and looked how it ended; horribly. So I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I am taking my time, not labeling anything and getting to know different people. I have to remind him that we did just meet and yes, it has been wonderful but lets just get to know each other for a while. So far he is agreeing.

An interesting update: Blue and I had seemed to fade out which is what I had anticipated. Then all of a sudden he is getting in touch with me. He wanted to hang out so we did and it went very different then I had expected. I had assumed that he was on the same level that I was with us; just friends. But I leaned once again that my judgment is way off. I don’t understand him and I know that I never will. That is actually what attracted me to him. But I had thought all would be over with and we would continue to be friends. The friend pat if great, it’s just him wanting the other level that I am not too comfortable with.

So again where does this leave me? It leaves me lost. I did start reading the Chronicle of Narina series, which I have not read since I was a child. I was encouraged by a fellow blogger, unbeknownst to him. Thank you by the way. ☺

~

Broken

2007-07-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

I feel as if my heart is continuing to break into a million pieces. Like a shattered piece of glass that can never be put back the way it was made. I hurt, I long, and I feel as if I can not get past this. The facade feels as if it is slipping away. I try so hard to keep it going, but at times I crack and the tears fall. I cry out to Him to help me, hold my soul tight so I can feel His grace. Save my soul so I can continue here out of turmoil. Does He hear me? At times I think yes and I feel a fraction at peace and at other times I feel as if I can't cry enough. My body hurts. My heart is in pieces. My soul is tortured.

The choices I make not only effect me but the ones around me who I care so much about. I feel as if I should put myself aside, continue to be broken just to make them whole. But I feel torn. I feel as if I need to be pure in my choices and that is why I am where I am. I am falling further in to the abyss I have created. There is no shimmering light to look for; I have snuffed it out. I created this blackness and I can't seem to stop it.

Where to go from here? I don't know. My intentions to fix this are good yet my actions don't seem to follow. The core of me seems lost. Will I ever find peace? It is amazing that He knows how all of this is going to turn out. He knows where the abyss ends and when. He knows that his love for me will get me through this. I just need to remember that.

~

Reflection

2007-07-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was asked to do some personal reflection on my relationship with God (this is something I do quite often). But this time I was given a topic and asked to reflect.

The topic was, “What has God done in my life.”

There are so many things that He has done for me in my life. The one thing that I reflect about daily is the blessing of my child. She is my safety net, my life. Before I had her I had suffered from depression and had a hard time finding a reason to live. I had put my body and mind through hell. When she was born I had this new sense of life. I felt renewed. God gave me the ultimate gift that saved my life. For the past over 5 years (since I became pregnant) she has been my primary focus. I have never had anything in my life be so rewarding. I truly feel that God brought her to me to love and cherish forever, but also to show me that I had a purpose here. He saved me from myself. He showed me that I am worthy of this life he has given me. He has shown me that I can help others by spreading his word. By opening up and being honest about my life experiences, I can help others. I am having a hard time sharing my experiences as they are still so fresh, but within time I know that God will lead me to be a stronger person.
~

Love

2007-07-06T12:13:00.001-07:00

Have I loved? I am guessing yes. But since it is a guess it makes my wary of my life’s decisions. I have thought I have loved while I was in the moment and I am pretty sure it was true. I suppose it depends what my definition of love is. I think my definition of love has changed as I have matured and gained more life experience. The part of love that I have not felt is the burning desire to be with that person. To feel lost and empty without them. To crave their body, mind, soul, every aspect when they are not around. I know some would say this is lust, but I think that love is composed of many different aspects. It is an experience that encompasses every part of your being.

Do I want to be in love? Well who doesn’t want to feel the completeness of loving someone unconditionally and feeling that in return? I want to be stimulated in every way possible. I want someone to challenge my mind, add to my beliefs, educate me on life, love my smile, love my devoted heart, and be my soul mate. This seems like a crazy fantasy. You don’t ever find someone who can complete you on all those levels and I guess that is why I don’t feel I have ever been in love.

I want to sit and listen to random music for hours. Watch old movies and laugh. I want to go to an art museum and enjoy fine art. I want to be able to go out and eat and not worry about always being on my best manners. I want an educated debate and then a passionate love making session. I want arms holding me as I face the daily challenges of being a single mom. I want the soft kiss of reassurance. I want a best friend, a competitor, a lover and a partner to travel down God’s path with.

So… have I loved? To this extent, no. Do I crave it? Of course. Do I think it is a reality? No, just a fantasy that I have made up. I think love is possible but not on all the levels I have mentioned. So am I ready to settle? No. I think at this point I would rather be by myself then pretend that someone is something they are not and that love is present when it is not.

“…living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment.”

~

Expectations

2007-07-05T16:19:00.001-07:00

Expectations. How to live up to them. How to not put them on others. Everywhere you look there are expectations. I am tired of having others expecting me to be someone other than me. I just want to go with the flow. I am a little bit of everything. There are times when I am professional, times I am very religious, times when I am crazy, carefree, emotional, mothering, times when I just want to cry, happy times, and pissed off times. I am so many personality types all wrapped into one small package. Don’t expect me to be happy all the time. Don’t expect the smile to be shinning every day. True, it is there most of the time, but if you know me, the real me, then you know that I do smile all the time, but that it is rarely a reflection of my emotions. Don’t expect me to tell you why my smile has dissipated. Don’t expect that there has to be something wrong because I am quiet. Don’t expect that I assume anything.

Don’t expect me to live up to standards. Don’t expect me to be the “perfect woman.” Don’t expect me to be the perfect mom (although I try, very hard). Don’t expect me to make the right choices. Sometimes I make decisions with my heart and at times I make them with my mind. Not that I necessarily make the right choices, but they were the ones I thought were the best at the time. Don’t expect me to be attracted to who looks best next to me. Don’t expect me to love who is the “best” choice. Don’t expect that I won’t change my mind. Don’t expect that I am satisfied because you are.

Expect me to be me. Expect me to be true to my word and my beliefs. Expect me to not tell you what is wrong unless we have established a very intense, deep bond. Expect me to be the one who is over caring and would do anything for anyone. Expect me to be emotionally closed off. Expect me to want to be swept off my feet emotionally, but to be wary of anyone that tries. Expect that I have been through a lot and that I have been very damaged. Also, expect that I am a very strong, self-sufficient and independent woman.

But most of all, expect that I am me and that is who I will always be. I am always changing and can never live up to any expectations.

~

Smiley

2007-07-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

So I have debated whether or not to write about this on here, but I guess I will and see how it goes. For the past almost week I have been talking to a guy that some mutual friends of ours thought it would be cute to try to set us up. Let’s call him Smiley. I had heard about him casually over the past few months and honestly didn’t think much about him since he never called. But I was later informed that he had prompted and was going to call. So I was thinking it was more of a courtesy call to make our friends relax.

Well if it was the courtesy call it sure has been incredible. We have talked extensively over the past seven days and have really seemed to take a liking to each other. He has a wonderful personality. We are planning on meeting in the next few weeks. So we will see how it goes. The only problem I can see right away, yet I am not definite, is that at this point in my life I am not ready to jump into the relationship game. I want to hang out, get to know someone and not have all the relationship aspects come run me over.

I am not sure that I am ready to have a relationship. I have come far and have had a lot of self-realization, but I think I want to take life slowly in that area. I want to enjoy someone on all levels before either of us decides to make the relationship decision. I feel that was a big mistake I made with my marriage. I was young and didn’t think about all the things you need to accomplish within the relationship before you take it to the serious levels. Like the foundation for example. How can you build a healthy relationship on an unstable foundation? Well you can’t and I learned that. I want to learn from the mistakes I have made and I feel that me taking my time and letting things just happen on their own time make a world of difference.

So, that is what I plan on doing with Smiley. I enjoy his personality to no ends and if it doesn’t have the feel of anything than us just enjoying each other’s company then that will be just fine.

Curve Ball

2007-06-29T08:53:00.001-07:00

I think God throws us curve balls throughout life. Not necessarily to hurt us, but more so to challenge us. To challenge our thinking, our paths in life, our choices, and to strengthen our devotion to Him. I am pretty observant and can pick up on when a curve ball has been thrown my way. My problem is I don’t think I always hit them the way God intends. I think I try to change it up a little. See if maybe it should be a bunt hit or worse, just keep swinging until I strike out. At other times I feel as if the balls are coming too fast and I can’t keep up with trying to hit them. At those times I feel that God is putting me up for a challenge I will never come close to accomplishing.

So, where am I at this point in my life? I think I am walking up to bat, with all the different types of pitches being an option. I have an idea of how to hit them in my mind, but who knows if it will work out as I plan. Now, I am not looking to hit a home run and be the hero of the game, a single base hit at this point would be good. I think this game of life is always up for improvement. And to improve you must practice. All of our adventures and misadventures are just game blunders. We will all hopefully achieve winning our own World Series at some point.

Where would I like to be in the game? The 7th inning stretch. I want to be able to relax and just be comfortable with where I am in the game. At times I think God is helping me get there. Then I realize that it was just an illusion and I am still in the bottom of the 2nd standing in the outfield, sun in my eyes, wind in my hair, a few grass stains on my uniform hoping for a fly ball.
~

Friend Update

2007-06-27T13:55:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update, I didn't end up seeing my friend. Just a change of plans. No big deal actually. I guess I am over the initial excitement.

So I will write more later. Actually have a lot of my mind that may be nice to write out.

~

2007-06-25T09:53:00.001-07:00

A Friend from my past

A friend that I met almost 11 years ago is back in town. I’m not sure how to feel about this. I met him at the lowest point in my life. The point of my life where I had yet to learn about self-worth, self-esteem, dignity, and confidence. Now don’t get me wrong, I have not perfected these characteristics, I think that self-improvement is a life-long process and I am always learning. He was the one who kept my head up. I had and have never felt this way about anyone. He touched me emotionally in a way I have yet to experience again. I have never had someone be that non-judgmental, accepting, open, honest and caring. I shared my deepest secrets. Ones I had almost forgotten about. He listened with an open heart and comforted me as I needed it. He was amazing. I can’t imagine that period of my life without him. And the funny thing is, is that even though we lost touch, he has always been somewhere in my thoughts.

I have not seen him in almost 8 and half years. We just started talking again about a year and a half ago. I am seeing him tomorrow.

I am nervous. He gives me butterflies. I wonder if these feelings have gone away. We both have gone through so much in the time we have been apart. We have both grown incredibly. In a way, I am hoping that these feelings were just part of my past and that they have ceased. I guess after tomorrow I will know.

~Lost in thought~

My weekend was relaxing. The few plans that I had went well. I was glad to make it through the last crazy busy weekend I had planned. Annie and I had fun. Nothing special, just nice relaxing time.

I found myself lost in thought many times this weekend. I feel that I have come a long way this last year. I feel emotionally stronger, independent. I am no longer nervous about my life and where it is going. I am secure that I can do this and with the love of God I have been able to this long. I may not always follow the path He wants me to but, I am trying and I know He can see that and that my intentions have never been malicious.

When I write on here I feel my thoughts are so random. I can only imagine what the reader must think about me. But I guess if you continue to read then my thoughts must not be so random that they are not interesting. ☺

~

Random Dream

2007-06-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I hear the soft deep breathing. I smell his body that lures me closer to him. I feel his touch on my skin and it sends a shock through me. I have longed for his touch for so long. I can’t believe it is true. Are his hands really on me? Am I dreaming? I must be because how could the dream I have been longing for have come true?

He completes me in every sense of the word. He has listened to me at all levels of my life. He has held me when I felt I would never stop falling. No one has ever read my soul the way he has. I have never felt so at ease and so assured in myself as I have with him. I longed for him when I was not with him. I desired to be next to him, to feel his strength, his presence, his charisma.

He sees inside me. He can see my self worth. He sees what I need most out of life. He knows that I need a little extra attention even when I say I don’t. He understands my feelings and even has felt them at some point. He is so accepting. He understands that I have so much to give. He wants all that I have, every part of me despite any flaws that are attached to me.

Suddenly I am walking hand in hand with him on the shoreline. The waves are at our feet. His smile radiates my soul and at the same time I feel this incredible sense of peace. I have never felt so complete. The sand sinks as we walk. There are no words exchanged between us, just glances hear and there as we walk. The sun seems to be setting and we sit to enjoy the view. He holds me in his arms and finally breaks the silence.

He engulfs everything with the simple, “How beautiful.” I agree and reply with, “it is amazing the beauty God has given us.”

The sun sets and in a flash we are back in bed. Laying next to each other, skin to skin, our hearts complete with life, we fall into a peaceful slumber.

I open my eyes and he is gone. I am alone. What happened? I don’t want to wake up! Will I ever find him? Will there ever be this perfect man for me? Someone that completes me; someone who I can complete? Someone who I can enjoy this life with as God guides us down his path?

I have to believe that he is out there. As I live my life I know we will find each other. It will be amazing and we will fulfill each other without taking anything away from ourselves. We will understand each other. We will be supportive and kind and loving.

God knows what is in my heart and knows all that I have been through. He has given me the strength to continue and enjoy all that I have been given every day.

2007-06-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of myself. It is interesting that if you set your boundaries sometimes people actually respect them. I was having some little issues with a friend and I decided that I was done with all her crap and set a boundary that I knew would piss her off. Now, I didn’t do this intentionally, but knowing her I knew she would be pissed. Surprisingly she respected my boundary and gave me minimal grief over it. I should so this more often.

This is hard for me. I rarely stick up for myself when it comes to petty things. I have always dropped whatever I was doing to help out if someone needed me. But I can’t do it all the time anymore. I am so tired of constantly doing everything for everyone else and letting my own needs be pushed aside. So… I am being a little selfish. What a bitch I am. ☺

I am excited about this weekend because I really don’t have any plans. Just going to hang out with Annie and relax. It is so what I need. I am hoping to dive back into the book I started last weekend and have a little me time. I know again so selfish.

On another note: do you think you can fall for someone without meeting them? Just hearing their thoughts. I mean their most inner thoughts and feelings. To feel their emotions as you hear them. To want to hear more, to hope they are all right. To want to meet them just to see if there is that spark in person as there is in thought. If anything just to be part of their lives because they have touched your soul. I feel that this doesn’t happen very often. I have never had this happen to me and I think it is incredible. Our society and culture is so centered on outward appearance and money that we tend to over look the most important characteristics of a person. To feel a connection with someone you have never laid eyes on, it has to mean something.

Friends or so They Say

2007-06-21T10:31:00.001-07:00

After the last 8 years of my life and living with minimal friends, I decided that I was going to have a change and start trusting others by having friendships. I don’t do well with deep friendships because I have been betrayed by my closest friends in the past. I had this mentality that I would be friends yet keep my distance. Now I know this is common. Everyone has friends that are on different levels, nothing new.

But I decided that I would put myself out there, hang out even if I didn’t really want to, make sacrifices to help others, spend money when I really shouldn’t be, etc. Stupid me decides to open up to a new friend after being friends for over a year and I should have stuck with my intitial mentality of keeping my distance or keeping myself closed off. Good thing I didn’t decide to open up with many personal details because I am sure those too would have been exposed. So, I tested my friend and obviously she failed. Girls suck. They can never keep a secret. No wonder I don’t have many girl friends that are my age. They can be so self-centered, caddy, and just out right bitches. Do they care about the friendship or even the feelings of the person they are betraying?

I write this after recently finding out that the one person I had trusted decided to care more about the shock factor and story then me. What’s new? I don’t know why I was surprised. So, I am back to keeping my distance. I am ok for having a good time and helping when I can, but when it comes to closeness it won’t ever be there. I am good at putting on the happy, everything is ok face and I will continue to do it even though I wish I had the nerve to speak my mind.

My initial reaction is to crawl back into my hole and not socialize. Just live my life by going to work, spending all my down time with and for my daughter, and completely immerse myself into my church more then I already have. I have a problem with not addressing the problem. I don’t know it you would exactly call it running away or just acting like it doesn’t exist. Either way I know it is not the best way to react.

So, this upcoming weekend I will again get to deal with this “friend” who will get pissed off because I am not stopping my life to tend to her wants and needs. I need to stop feeling guilty. My feelings should count for something.

So.I should have stayed with staying at home and watching Dawson’s Creek. Which by the way has yet to make it back into my DVD player. But it is coming soon. Dawson and I so have a date and everyone else can screw off.

~

No one ever really cares

2007-06-19T08:48:00.001-07:00

No one ever really cares what you are wearing, as long as it is not a reflection of them.

No one ever really cares what your hair looks like.

No one ever really cares what you say, as long as you don’t piss anyone off with your words.

No one ever really cares what you are thinking, as long as you keep it to yourself.

No one ever really cares if you are happy inside.

No one ever really cares if you want to scream.

No one ever really cares if you want to cry and just can’t hold it in any more.

No one ever really cares if you don’t call back.

No on ever really cares if they broke your heart.

No one ever really cares if you need to be held.

No one ever really cares if you need a kiss for no reason at all.

No one ever really cares if you say you are going to leave until you really do.

No one ever really cares to sit and listen to you talk about the world.

No one ever really cares if you care.

Can I find the one person that will care about what I wear, what my hair looks like, listen to me when I talk, someone to care about my thought and ideas, someone who wants to hold me when I scream and cry, the person who will do all they can to not break my heart, someone who is so in love with me that they want to hold me and kiss me just to satisfy the desire that is burning within us both, someone who will never make me feel like leaving, and most of all someone who will love me unconditionally with all the flaws that come with me. I want that person to think the world of me. To whisper the sweet words and take the time out of their day to say hello. Just to make me feel them.

Will anyone ever really care?

Trip and Thoughts

2007-06-18T17:52:00.001-07:00

So...I went on our little trip that we had. I pretty much succombed to peer pressure, which is pretty pathetic considering I am almost 30 years old. In the end, I had an alright time. I love being with nature so that was a positive. To feel the tranquility and just be able to take a breather from the everyday chaos of life was nice and peaceful. It's amazing what God has created here on this planet.

I did a lot of thinking about the shape of my life. I can't say that this is always a good thing for me to do, but none the less, I sat for hours gazing out into the water thinking. At first I felt good, in the sense that I have been very strong through everything that has occured over the last 2 years. I felt independent and proud that I can support myself and my child. I felt self-sufficient and satisfied with the benefits of my career (don't take this as I like my job). And then I sat there and thought more. I felt lonely; I felt a sense of failure; and a dreaded sense of not being able to make someone happy.

I realized this last part as I was around this group of friends that I went with. I had had a little too much alcohol and usually I smile a lot and due way to much listening when this happens. It's as if alcohol intensifies my hearing ability. Because usually I can't hear crap. So as I am listening to conversations, I start hearing drama and more drama. So, in kicks my "I want to fix everything, make everyone happy flaw" and all that does is bring up more drama. Not about me, but as I reminisced after I felt, that I need to stop worrying about making everyone else happy and be a little selfish. It seems that I can't make someone happy.

Again, as I was sitting basking in the sun, or should I say, frying in the sun, huddled under a small tree to avoid sunburn, I thought about this as well. I thought what the hell is my problem? Set some standards and keep to them. I can't make everyone happy and I need to stop trying. Stop feeling so damn guilty because others are having a hard time.

I came home, tired and dirty from out trip. Feeling a little depressed yet feeling good that I had time to myself to think. I rarely have this time for just me. It was nice. I think I need to have more down time. I feel as if I am always on the run to this or that.

And if you are a ilttle bit curious, yes Blue was there. I think I spent a whole 10 mintues talking to him over the 24 hours he was there. That is a whole different situation that I really feel I am done with. I didn't give it much thought while I was out there and I am good with it. He is a nice guy, yet we are very different and I think that is a problem for him and maybe me too. Would be fun to still hang out here and there though.

So...where does all this thinking leave me? It leaves me feeling a little more certain that I can do this on my own. I am a strong woman, who has God to guide me. I just hope I don't continue to screw up and pick the wrong path again.

~

RANT

2007-06-14T13:29:00.001-07:00

Is it wrong to feel so negative at times, so much so that I just want to scream? Yesterday was ridiculous. I fulfilled my obligations, put on the smile, played the part. Is it necessary for people to be complete assholes? Can they not do the same? Play the part for the audience; you don’t have to vent your frustration about life in public. Grow up.

Sometimes I get so tired of being the person to take care of everything. When is someone going to care about my needs? I have emotions as well and if anyone could get unwrapped from their own and see that I too need a little attention, I would be elated.

When does the drama in life diminish? I thought I was on the path to at least decreasing it, but at times it just seems as if I have intensified it.

Hopefully I will get through my bitchy mood before tomorrow night. I may not be able to put up the façade that I usually do so well on our trip if my mood does not improve.

~

Ramble

2007-06-14T08:29:00.001-07:00

So another interesting weekend this was. Blue did end up coming out with us. And as I suspected, from the moment I heard he was coming, it was odd. We talked and were casual but not how it has been in the past. I think I was ok with it. I really wasn’t into hangout out and I think my happy mask was cracking because RD kept asking if I was all right. Overall it was ok. A very long and tiring night, but ok.

On the topic of Blue, funny character that I just can’t keep up with. He now has been back to his normal ways of keeping in touch. I guess I need to stop analyzing and just go with the flow of things. I like the way we have had it. I enjoy talking to him, but I don’t want to deal with his ups and downs. I know, what a brat I am. Guess I am just trying to limit myself in the drama category. I feel as if that is all my life has been for the last almost 10 years. But I suppose had we actually discussed what was going on between us then I most likely wouldn’t be feeling this way. Bad thing about that is that I don’t want to discuss it. I think when you sit there and pine over something that isn’t even happening it can kill it before it starts. That is why I have stayed away from that topic. Plus, I assumed we were on the same page with not wanting anything or any kind of relationship between us.

I know I ramble.

This upcoming weekend a group of us is going on a trip. Should be full of amusement and great pictures. Again, I am being pessimistic about going. When we made the plans I was excited, but now that it has approached I do not want to go. My couch and Dawson’s love triangle seem so much more appealing. ☺

Judgment

2007-06-07T08:36:00.001-07:00

You know I am beginning to realize that I am not the best judge of character. Not that this should be news to me. Looking back I don’t think I have ever been successful at this. I mean I am not even 30 and I am getting divorced.

There are a couple situations that have made me very aware of my inability to judge character. First, Blue has decided to be a “guy” and dodge me. I am not sure why. Last time we hung out before this past time was fine, or at least I thought. This last time we got together because a friend was in town. It was very awkward. I don’t know why but I know it was weird for me and by how he was acting and how he has continued to act I guess he felt awkward as well. Perfect example of how he has changed is he is not text messaging as he usually does and he is not returning messages. This has always been our main way of communicating and by him not responding I am getting the point. So I have laid off to see if he will instigate conversation and he doesn’t. Makes me a little sad because I really enjoyed his company. Oh well. I know these would never be a future there and I guess if it were going to die out this would have to be the way it would go. I just didn’t see that happening so soon or right now.

It will sure be interesting if Blue decides to go out with us this weekend. He is supposed to, but I have this feeling he will pass on going with us. He is the type of person who will pass on it and no one will ask any questions as to why.

So… I get in these moods where I am excited to be going out and having a good time and then I get in these slumps where I would much rather stay at home and watch a good romance movie or one the seasons of Dawson’s Creek. I know I am lame! I guess, as much as I am a people person, there are times when I just want to be me. I have a hard time doing that around most people. With Annie (remember he was introduced in the first blog) I can be myself to an extent. I am still a little leery telling him how I feel about some situations/issues. But I am assuming this is the case with most people. It is hard to open yourself up especially after being hurt so deeply.

Anyways, I am in the “Dawson’s Creek” mood which isn’t very positive. So I guess we will see how it goes this weekend. I am on hold with calling and trying to plan things. If someone wants me to come then they will call me, if not then I have my date with Dawson, Joey, Pasey and Jen (I am on the 2nd season). ☺

~

Roller Coaster

2007-05-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

What a weekend. So I finished up with the pieces of my relatioship with Ex. Very difficult. We actually spend one day together with our offspring and it went well. It makes me wonder sometimes if I made the right choice. I do enjoy my time to myself and there are so many things I do not miss, it's just that at times I feel as if I was being selfish. But then at other times I felt I had a right to be happy.

Ok...I can't get on a depressing ramble. These next few weeks should be hectic. A good friend is coming into town tomorrow and life is always crazy when he is around. We'll call him HS. He has been a great friend for a long time. We have become very close friends and he has helped me through some hard times these last few years. He always has a way to make me see things differently, which I admire about him. We have no history past friendship and I truly value that and will always keep it that way.

Last night I had such an incredible experience. I teach a bible study group at my church for 3-5 year olds. I had been very tired after a long day and reluctant to go, but after being there and watching these little beings learn about God and be so moved by the words we were teaching them it was just so moving. I felt like I was actually doing something to make a difference in their lives. Sometimes we go through the days just doing our normal routine and it takes a lot for something to stand out to us. Usually it is something negative since the general population gravitates towards negativity. But, this was not. This was so positive and so wonderful. I felt important and needed.

So.. life continues to be a roller coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns. Never really knowing where your next choice will send you.

This weekend should be pretty relaxed. Just catching up with some friends tomorrow night.

Until the next moment that stands out...
~

The Calm of Blue

2007-05-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well last night I went out to a casual night with Blue. As always I completely enjoyed myself. I had had an incredibly rough day at work and spending the evening with him, hearing his advice and just his random thoughts was exactly what I needed. He always makes me relax and just see everything differently. That must be huge reason why I really like him, as a person.

So I am getting through this tough time of washing myself of my past, as much as that is possible. As I said before it has been difficult.

I know this has been short, but just wanted to say what a good time I had with Blue.

~

Splitting Patience

2007-05-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

So part of a divorce is splitting or selling your assets. So I have been dealing with selling our house. Escrows closes next week and I guess it hasn't been that problematic of a sell, but for me it has. It just amazes me how people will do just about anything to get something for free. In the grand scheme of things I consider myslef a pretty fair person (I am sure there are those that would disagree, like my Ex) but these people expect me to cater to their every desire. So I have found my "No patience, Bitchy" side and have been using it kindly.

The person purchasing my house is a nice person, yet is stretching the lines of professionalism and I have had enough. So today, as I am cleaning our place to get it ready for them, I get yet another call asking for yet another favor. I have been very nice and very lienent through all of this, but today I said NO!!

It sure was incredibly difficult to be in the first home I purchased, cleaning it, getting it ready for sale, because of divorce. I am bitter about how thigns are. I never planned to be a single mom, living back in an apartment, barely making it every month. But then I have to look at things and realize that I made this choice and all the others leading up to it. So... I am hoping my attitude and situation will improve with time.

On the realm of "others", I am going out with Blue tomorrow night. Just casual to catch up from the last tow weeks. He has yet to visit my new dwelling and thought I would invite him over. Plus he has a way of making me feel more relaxed, just by talking.

My Ex has been smoothering again. Tyring to rekindle what we lost. I feel as if I just need a little breather from even discussing anything with him. I am trying to be polite and considerate, but again my patience is stretched thin.

Expression

2007-05-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's funny that when I thought about writing a blog I had been reading all these other dating blogs and even though I am not officially dating, I thought I would have that be the center of my writing. But... after coming across another blog I realized to be true to myself I will write about my thoughts, ideas and just life as it comes. If for the sake of anything, just to write and get it out there.

After working an exhausting day today and having a nice dinner with an old friend, I realized that I feel swept up in doing and acting as I am supposed to act. I find I can't scream when I feel overwhelmed, act crazy when I want, or cry openly when I need to. I feel as if I continue to put up this facade of who I am. But that is not me. I am someone very few people, if any at this point in my life, really know. I am someone who is full of grandiose ideas, someone who is passionate, emotional, and yes full of flaws as we all are.

At times I wish I could completely be myself, to even just one person. To trust again and believe in myself enough to be me. I feel I am taking the steps in the right direction and at some point I will get as close to that as possible. I am realizing that it is ok to be me and if you don't like it then oh well.

Life has taken me on many different roads and I have evolved with each new travel. This current adventure of being a single mom is new, scary, yet I am feeling good with my decision. I am a strong person and know I can do this. At times we all crumble and I have had my moments, but with each one I feel stronger and as if I have gained more insight into life.

So this is me being me and I am content with that. I am not perfect and I cannot please everyone.

Dating...that is a part that I am sure will come with time. I am completely up for meeting new people and I enjoy it entirely. I love to meet someone who is so different from me and can challenge my mind, make me see new things. I guess that is why I really like the company of Blue. He is nothing like me on the outside and even though under the surface I am finding we have a lot in common, his way of looking at things is so different than mine. It's stimulating. So on Friday we are to hang out and catch up. I am looking forward to it.

I feel as if I have just rambled tonight, but I guess that was the point of this. To be me.

The Beginning

2007-05-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well I have been reading fellow bloggers life stories for a while now and thought I would give this a try. I have a hard time expressing myself so I thought this would be a good start for me trying to open up.

So...my life has taken a huge change in shape this last year. I have ventured out on my own after eight years of a relationship.

The last 3 months is when my life, or I should say my social life, actually became visible. My friend had a party and I met some new people. Had a great time, yet I was still uneasy with the new territory I was venturing out into.

At this party I met a new guy, we'll call him Blue, no need to explain as it would just make you chuckle. :) He is the complete opposite from me when it comes to styles, yet after getting to know him these past three months, we really do have a lot in common. He's great and I completely enjoy his company. Is there a possible future past friendship? Probably not. I think that is also why I enjoy him.

I'm not openly looking for anything to transpire with anyone. I don't feel I'm ready to take the step in pursuing another relationship. I need time and I need to just relax for a while and enjoy myself. It seems like it has been so long since I have actually had anything that was outside my home and family. I feel as if I am finding my identity all over again.

So back to Blue. We have been casually hanging out for the past three months. He has shown my places in San Diego that I never knew existed. He has let me open up and talk when I probably shouldn't have, just because I don't really open up much. I feel as if he is not judgemental and I can be me with him. It's nice. Funny thing is though, when we go out it's like Barbie with her rock band friend. Everyone looks at me a little weird and I really stand out. But it doesn't bother me.

In addition to Blue, I have rekindled a little something with someone from my past, we'll give him the name Annie, again no need to explain and incriminate myself. ;) Not sure if this is the path I want to go on with him, but I probably should have thought that through a little while back.

Then lastly there is the Ex. No details at this time

Not sure how much detail I want to go into for this first blog, so I think I will just start with minimal drama this time. :) The majority of the male players have all been laid out and I will introduce the other main players in my life soon.

Until next time!